Joe Johnson and Al Horford's brown mounds create a frown.

Al Horford and Joe Johnson exercise very different functions on the court. However, what these two NBA all star teammates share, is that their games are like a good toaster. A good toaster is consistent, durable and does what you expect of it... pop out toast.  Johnson and Horford consistently score points and grab rebounds, durably play hard-nosed defense and pop fans out of their seats in victory. Making this analogy more credible is how Joe Johnson and Al Horford are also treated like a good toaster.  When a toaster does its job day in and day out, no one gets excited and says, ”This machine is amazing!” People just except it’s consistency as a fact, reap the toaster’s benefits and talk about other, "more important" things.  Heading towards another 50 win season Joe, Al (Joe-al) and the Hawks are playing well, but very few give them the credit such consistency deserves. Instead, pundits usually make a small mention of Hawks success and then talk about other teams, most of which Atlanta has beat at least once this year.

We at 100POP are angry about this treatment of Al Horford, Joe Johnson and good toasters. None of these three should be taken lightly. Respect the machine that makes your bread lightly browned and respect Joe Johnson and Al Horford. Come on people!

Another thing everyone should respect and no one should take lightly is  Joe Johnson’s chocolate hotdogs and Al Horford’s  fudge dragons.  Both player’s sewer trout needs admiration as well. Like their play, we believe Joe-al's bowels are impressive.  Logic has it that both sit and try to produce the best damn poo every single time.  Their dung drudgery doesn't produce  average floaters. What probably comes out are dense, sleek, brown mounds, that instantly make a big splash on the scene. We think all experts should take notice. Johnson’s chocolate hotdogs and Horford’s fudge dragons leave the toilets they face defeated.  In a poo-off series I would not want to come up against this duo.

Chuck, Kenny and the rest of you talking heads, we dare you to take a whiff. If you do, you will never again treat Joe-al like a toaster.

Carmelo is Anally Gifted.

We believe Carmelo Anthony has no problem making solid bowel movements and is confused by those who complain of constipation, fire butt and other anal challenges when going to the bathroom. We think Carmelo is definitely the most talented crapper in the NBA and that he has never run to a toilet in fear of social suicide. This line of thought comes from the simple fact that basketball comes way too easy for him. With his work ethic, he shouldn’t be as good as he is at orange ball; however, he consistently goes up the court and easily scores on players with amazing work ethic. Ergo, we suppose that he also puts the lid down with a brash ignorance of what it is to be a Pepto Bismol purchaser. Carmelo is no ordinary human.

100POP hypothesizes that Melo’s stomach turns food into the same consistent crunch every time.  His control over his poo can be compared to a very patient person in a long line for a busy night club.  The patient person doesn’t try and jump the line and doesn’t scream at the bouncer. No, the patient person just waits and enters when permitted. When Melo feels his waste wants admission to club toilet, he is fine waiting until the moment is right, never sweating, never running. Anthony enters washrooms on his terms and  then performs his duty in a strain free manner.  Our stat line for Carmelo Anthony this season is 25.3 points per game, 7.7 rebounds, 2.8 steals and 0.0 skid marks. 

We also think Kenyon Martin hates Carmelo Anthony.  If Martin's bathroom movements are as strenuous as his attempts at sinking contested baby hook shots, than how could you blame him for resenting?

Dwight Howard isn't Dwight Howard, especially on the can.

Dwight’s anal analysis is quite hard to determine. After watching the way his arms developed over his first three seasons, 100POP thought Howard was an alien. But sorry  X Files fans, using occam’s razor we cut that theory and chose a much more probable one—that Dwight Howard is the most successful application of Avatar science. Not only do we think Howard is an Avatar, we are pretty sure we know who is controlling him, Soulja Boy. Yes, we think Dwight Howard is in fact Soulja Boy’s Avatar. This means Soulja Boy is Dwight Howard. 

Now before you dismiss this as nonsense, think about it, it makes sense and here are the reasons:

1) Dwight Howard's body is more like the blue people in the Movie Avatar than most humans. As well, he is about the same age as the amount of time James Cameron usually puts into the creation of his movies. That would mean the Avatar science was being developed right around the same time that Dwight was "born". We have to admit we don't know how, but we believe Soulja Boy gained possession of DH's controls right before he released his track with the lyrics, "Superman the Hoe," aka The Superman Song.

2)The relentless promotion of that terrible Superman song would make a lot more sense if Dwight were an Avatar run by Soulja Boy. Howard's religious  adherence to the song and its hokey dance steps made the track popular.  This caused cool kids and sexy girls that used to walk right past DeAndre Cortez to stop,  notice and idolize Cortez as his new title-- Soulja Boy. Every nerds dream come true.

3) The inappropriate boyish way Dwight approaches situations in which the game is on the line; grinning and high fiving opponents and fans. In one game I saw, Orlando was stuck 2 on the road with a minute left and Dwight came out of a timeout acting all, "please like me," smiling and laughing with the front row fans. What the F$%k! Orlando lost of course.  I would like to think that you would never see any of the human NBA elite do this.  However, joking with opposing fans in crunch time is definitely something a cotton candy rapper would do.

4) There is also his choice of revering the fictional alien Superman instead of a more obvious choice, Wilt Chamberlain.  Wilt Chamberlain was lucky enough to have been given a body superior to everyone else in the league, just like Dwight. Wilt, not Superman, is what makes sense. Soulja Boy made a song about Superman and thereby it  makes sense that  SB dictated Dwight's controls to  idolize Superman. Idolizing Superman is a good business decision for SB. However, if Dwight is human, than it must be said that choosing superman in not a good NBA career decision.

5) Finally, we have to think about it from Soulja Boy's perspective.  It's all win for Soulja Boy if he is Dwight's controller. The money he makes as Dwight  can fund more of his terrible songs which, thanks to Dwight, now have a serious fan base and make him a lot of money as well.  If this is true then SB is Jay Z rich. This extreme wealth could also allow SB to advance Dwight's technology, improving his offense and secure max contracts for years to come. Dwight's only weakness is his offense. Before this year his offense has been criticized as robotic. This makes sense as Avatar's are robots.  It would also answer why his post game got better over the off season; Soulja upgraded DH's post move technology. Sorry Hakeem...this doesn't mean it wasn't  good seeing you still got it in those videos from this summer.

And that is our argument. 100POP believes Dwight Howard is an Avatar. It makes sense right?

           If this theory is true then we must abandon the idea that Dwight has huge, protein packed, tyrannosaurus like butt bombs.  We are sad to say we have no idea what kind of bowel waste Avatar’s have, Cameron didn’t have a washroom scene in his movie. However, Soulja Boy probably sucks back four slurpees a day.  For this reason we at 100POP believe Dwight Howard by default has slurpee infused toilet movements.  To be precise, blue flavored diarrhea. We also think that based on SB’s music, Dwight Howard/Soulja Boy often sharts his pants.

Ray Allen's Toilet Paper Practice

Ray Allen is a man of strict routine. Much has been made about his adherence to intense pre game shooting rituals. However, not enough has been made of Ray Allen's bathroom ceremonies. We believe that at 8:47AM every morning Ray sits on the toilet for approximately 7 and a half minutes. Like his jump shot, the shape, smell and form of his plop is consistently dense, dark and earthy in aroma. 

100POP logically guesses that this toilet time started at a very young age, when he was a toddler. Ray's mom is his biggest fan. TNT boom mics often capture her in the crowd saying, "That's my boy!". We think she sensed Ray's greatness early on and installed the practices that led to his jump shot supremacy. Our theory is that she encouraged Ray not to flush his used toilet paper down the drain after wiping. Instead she encouraged him to use the paper to practice his jump shot, placing a waste basket 22 feet from the toilet.  Many years later he is still doing this. We argue  that every day at 8:54:30AM Ray Allen shoots his toilet paper into a waste basket 22 feet from his toilet.  Thereby it can be said that the symmetrical rotation that has championed him as the best 3 Point shooter ever, comes from practiced toilet paper tosses. 

We think that last year in game seven of the Lakers/ Celtics NBA finals, Phil Jackson paid the  hotel cleaning staff at the Celtics hotel to push Ray's wakeup call back five minutes.  This caused Ray to shoot the toilet paper at 8:59:30 AM.  He definitely missed.  Lakers win!

Deron's but butter vs Paul's plop pickles.

Not since Bird and Magic have two NBA players' careers been compared so relentlessly. This is because Chris Paul and Deron Williams are so similar in their dominance. Before this season and Derrick Rose, either player was arguably considered to be the best point guard in the game. Most NBA pundits have never decisively titled one better than the other. We believe that this comparison drives them to be their best. We at 100POP think Chris and Deron are linked in ways that extend far beyond the hardwood and  don't stop competing when their pants are around their ankles. We also believe at 100POP that Chris Paul and Deron Williams don’t attempt to form any one particular type of turd, just that the turds they do create are better than the others.  During All Star weekend we argue that they try to sync their bathroom breaks and viciously compare the variables of their  dumps to determine who has champion chunks. If this is the case then we also calculate there are probably some pictures sent through SMS or BBM that perpetuate this debate. Forget Greg Odom's dong, a pic of Paul's dung going viral  would be a controversy.

Westbrook's Stealthy Stink.

Russell Westbrook is not the actor who played the drug slinging gangster Bodie on HBO’s The Wire. This is hard  to believe. Not because Westbrook only looks like Bodie,  but because Bodie’s character is embodied in the way Westbrook plays. Similar to the fictional Bodie, Westbrook is a pawn in the NBA chess game. A pawn that has risen to All Star status on his own dime. Again like Bodie, his game is raw, dangerous, sleek, fearless and controversial. In fact, we also heard these are the adjectives that his teammate Jeff Green used to describe Westbrook’s anal assaults.

For these reasons, 100POP forecasts that Westbrook gets his dung done in a quick and decisive manner. Russell is on and off toilet in the time it takes most men to relieve their urinary tract.  This means that like his game, Westbrook has come and gone before you really know what has hit you.

We also believe that Westbrook resents all the attention Durant's stench sticks get when Russell also consistently delivers such impressive washroom movements. Green was tired of dealing with these two dung lions and ergo the  Perkin's trade.

Tim Duncan's brown bum butter.

Tim Duncan is arguably the best power forward to ever play the game. Having him in the NBA is a joy as a big F fan, not because his game is so inspiring anymore, but rather, because he represents a bridge to a type of big man and game that seems to becoming extinct in the NBA.  For the last decade we saw him thrive on back to the basket offense making a grotesque amount of bank shots.

For this reason we believe his brown bum butter is quite large and round.  Why???? Because he is "old school" and likes to bank his shots.  It's simple science, the fatter your deuce is, the easier it is to bank it against the porcelain walls. 

We also deduce that this practice makes him a lousy guest to have over for dinner.

Rondo is ferocious! His poo is not.

Rajon Rondo’s game is like the Raptors that were portrayed in Jurassic Park*; cunning, menacing and lethal to those in their way. It’s a scientific fact that Rondo shred’s any defender that comes close to him.  This is why he is given so much space on defense….that and his jump shot stinks like a bathroom movement. So you would think he would be so vicious with his time on the toilet, but we must argue that this is not the case. 

            Similar to Kobe, he approaches the daily dump as an opportunity to better his game. Both pooing and foul shots are rituals and it is not secret to anyone that Rondo is terrible from the line. This is why we at 100POP believe that his free throw shot doctor is encouraging him to practice spiritual lightness when entering toilet stalls. I would guess rondo sits on the crapper and attempts to reach a mental abyss by repeating the words, "wet mesh, mesh wet, wet mesh" the same manta our lip readers have seen him repeat on the line in the fourth quarter. It is believed that when Rondo is successful at reaching this inward peace the fans melt away and all that is left is he and Doc Rivers.  This is why we believe Rondo listens to Enya with vanilla scented candles while passing a solid poo. Thereby, we believe that more often then not, his dumps are smooth, nicely formed, lightly scented nuggets.

*Please do not think I am saying Rondo’s game is like those who dawn the Raptors jerseys north of the 49^th parallel. The Toronto Raptors look more like the purple dinosaur Barney than the dinosaurs portrayed in Jurassic Park.

 

Why Wade Doesn't Flush

In Game 2 of a playoff series against Atlanta in 2009 Wade got hot with the jumper and gave a performance that any basketball fan would admire. With a couple minutes left and Johnson making it his mission to stop Wade he hit one of the most spectacular three pointers I have witnessed live. After the shot he turned to the Atlanta fans pointed to himself and mouthed, “This is where amazing happens.”   No, David Stern does not use mind control drugs on the NBA elite, rather, Wade believes himself to be spectacular--amazing. Cocksure amongst the cocksure it is a palpable fact that he thinks his shit does not stink.

Literally!

It is rumored that in sleek Miami there is a drug out there that makes your defecate smell like spring grass and the chirps of blue birds. We believe Dwayne Wade has been taking these pills from the day after he put Shaq on his back and brought Miami a championship.  We believe he leaves his built up body waste in the bowl without flushing, letting all those around him to whiff his "unstink". 

The problem was that no one in Miami ever wanted to upset Wade and let him know that what he was really taking was Pez candy and the whole thing was a scam. Now that Lebron and Bosh are in Miami and all three have six year contracts, the fear of displeasing Wade has diminished.   We believe this seasons sporadic games filled with turnovers and bad shots are due to his coming to grips with the fact his shit does stink and people are not afraid to yell at him for not flushing. We believe that all that Pez has made his poo smell really bad; baby diaper filled with rotten eggs and sour milk bad.  We at 100POP think that out of all the All Stars Wade definitely has the most nasally offensive dumps.

Don’t blame Lebron or Bosh, blame medicine Wade.

Constipated Chris Bosh

There is no denying it! Chris Bosh is a nerd in a leather jacket and fancy sunglasses, hanging out with two great players and trying to do what comes easy to them, be cool.  The affect is infinitely awkward, like fat people in skinny jeans that don’t cover their asses. 

We think that in an attempt to attain acceptance from the Republic of Cool, Bosh frightfully denies his body any type of movement that may deemed “uncool”. For this reason we think he is often constipated, kind of like his play this year.  However, when this all star does drop a little poop, we are quite sure the stature is quite uninspiring.

This is why we at 100POP  employ him to drop the act. Be the hard working, quasi nerd and nice guy that got you places before you tried to be something you are not. Only then will you reach your true poo potential.  American Standard and toilets around the world support this. My bet is the bigger and stinkier his dumps are, the better his Fantasy appeal is.

Manu Ginobili aka The Porcelain Prince

It has been reported that Greg Popovich holds his breath every time Manu Ginobili steps off a curb.  That is not the only time he holds his breath. The lefty who has a spectacular sense of finish doesn’t just let it rain against the Milwaukee Bucks. It is understood amongst those in the know that that as a running joke he enjoys waiting until Popovich sits down to go two in the practice facility and then enters the stall beside him and forces him to hold his breath.

Another probable fact is that he always takes a long time, often consuming whole News Papers in one shitting. We believe that when he paints the bowl it comes in all shapes in sizes. Sometimes spectacular, sometimes simple, sometimes stinky…a little bit of everything, just always long in the process!

We also have heard from reliable sources that he is a man of the people, not afraid to drop his grey and blacks among the common folk, sparing squares with geriatrics and the newly toilet trained.

 Unconfirmed rumors have it that In Argentina his nickname translates, “The Porcelain Prince”

Blake Griffin's Plumber is a hater.

Blake Griffin has stormed the scene in a manner Vince Carter did 11 years ago. Where opposing teams fans cheer his introduction and people forgo washroom breaks in  fear of missing the next “Best dunk ever!”  I was at such a game a couple weeks ago and the guy in front of me almost wet himself in the first half. Why do people care, because he can bring it to the hole with a power and grace of the mythical Grizzelle. Now if you are unfamiliar with the physiology of this beast, it is half speedy gazelle, half mean grizzly bear. Blake, AKA the Grizzelle, leaves many fans standing and screaming, “He’s not human!” ….
 We at 100POP believe the same words are uttered by those who are called in to unplug the toilets he has posterized. I heard The Staples Centre in house plumber is currently on disability.  We think The Grizzellle's poo is the most lethal out of this years crop of All Stars.  Chalked full of protein, excess muscle and gram crackers, we predict that those who come within fifteen feet of a Grizzelle turd often feel dizziness and are asked not to operate any motorized vehicles or heavy machinery for twenty four hours.

 Let the myth of the Grizzelle run strong.

Dirk's a grape fruit, his Poo is not.

Dirk is a master of his domain; there really is no game quite like his in the NBA.  The platonic face up big man. His touch, decision-making and scoring sense is exceptional. Many who have tried to copy his game have been criticized for wasting their size outside.  The closest thing to a game like his is Kevin Durant’s, however, when you examine the two stars, you will see their skill sets are different, like oranges and grape fruit. Durant is an orange, dirk a grapefruit. Although you peel both yellow covers, grape fruit doesn’t taste like an orange. 

Dirk is unique and we at 100POP also think his dumps are too. Yes, he probably creates indefinable smells on the porcelain.  Aroma’s that traditionally might not be considered overly rotten, but because the nose and brain cannot categorize the type of stink, leave smellers in extreme nostril pain. It has been said that those who smell a Dirk dump have a physical reaction that is similar to the frustration and confusion that many coaches have experienced in watching their defensive scheme being mocked by the swish of his mid range jump shots.

It is rumored that this is really why Nash was traded to Phoenix.  There was an ultimatum surrounding the Maverick stalls and Cuban chose Dirk’s nose enigma dumps over Nash’s assists.

Kevin Durant and his Praying Mantis Poo

The praying mantis stretches its long body out to warn others of the potential harm it can inflict.  If others persist to get in the way of The Praying mantis, it will lash out with bites.  The Praying Mantis on Oklahoma takes bites out of defenders pride. A sleek, one of a kind body, Durant is long and his game is mean. His toilet behaviour is the opposite.  Like his gentleman way of tweeting his resigning in the face of Eastern Conference Circuses, Durant is highly cognizant of the domains he dumps in and this respect often determines the type of movement he permits himself to have. Lets be clear, anyone with a moniker like The Praying Mantis, must have long, steamy, wrap around the bowl poo, with a smell that some will argue is morally wrong.  This is why we believe he is a bit of  a holder-in.  Yes, Durant may squeeze out necessary rabbit pellets in charity event community toilets, but those are probably the tip of the ice burg. A classy guy like Durant waits until the perfect conditions to let out the Mantis dung...except if he is in the presence of  the enemy.

 There is Rumor that the Praying Mantis stalks into visiting change rooms of worthy opponents before they arrive and drops built up stank in long dynamic tubes. Taking a page from Pierce, Durant used this tactic to help gain an at home advantage against LA last year in the playoffs.

Kevin Garnett..We are sorry!

This is an official preemptive apology.  Mr. Garnett we are Sorry.

We thought about dissecting your poo but felt you might not like it. We were worried you might seek us out in anger, get in our face and scream Adidas slogans at us while pounding your head against bed posts with saliva flying in a Turner and Hooch manner.  We fear this. You are a scary Mother F$#cker.

So we will not talk about your mantra, "bring the rage to the cage" while sitting Gandhi like on your specialized Velvet toilet with Samuel Jackson's Pulp Fiction character plastered on the back.

Please accept our apology.

Paul Pierce: The Chameleon Crapper

Paul Pierce has squeezed every ounce of potential out of his career.  Not overly big, not overly fast, not overly defined, not overly quick, he has been able to make those guarding him who are stronger, faster or bigger look silly. Why? Because he finds a way. Within the Matrix of Basketball he is the embodiment of the term  Crafty.  We believe this crafty nature transcends to toilet time. He is good at reading variables, constantly analyzing. How much time, space and food he can eat,  dictates what kind of movement Pierce will make. One thing is for sure; he will make the most of the situation; small, odorless turds that barely need a wipe when guests are over, long foot long stench sticks when he has the time to sit for a good twenty.  Like a chameleon, his craps and his game adjust to the surroundings in an appropriate way.

On a side note I heard that when he got carried out on game one of the Finals in 2008 his leg was fine, he just really had to go two.  Like I said, crafty.  If this is the case it also could be said that  that poo was the most motivational turd in the history of sport.  When he came out of that locker room he was lighter on his feet and the Boston fans and his teammates knew the series was already theirs.

Checkmate Phill Jackson, Paul Pierces Poo was stronger than your mind.

Derrick Rose's crap splits the water with purpose.

Rose is shy. On the court, Derrick Rose lets his game do the talking and keeps his feeling and thoughts internalized. Jut like the explosive SLAM dunks he drops, we bet he smashes out explosive turds. Plops that thunder towards the hole separating the defending water, leaving its mark on the bowl. Crap that lets its smell let everyone know its owner is to be taken seriously. Similar to the Incredible Hulk, we believe Rose fears to expose these capabilities. For this reason we predict Rose hates public washrooms when having to poo. I would venture to say that his turds are the badass type that clear the room. Picture it, Rose in a visitors change room without private washrooms. Sitting there he punishes the toilet with  a burrito inspired crap while Noah in the stall next to him.  Noah unprepared, gets his nostrils assaulted and acts like Costanza  in a fire at a kids party. Next thing you know the only one left in the change room in is Thibodeau shaking his head issuing the words; “NBA Pussies!” This is why I believe Rose and the Bulls have installed an industrial ventilation system into the teams locker room and his house.  Derrick Rose MVP, MVPlop!

Kevin Love's

Kevin Love, with his rebounding prowess, no doubt learned how to use his butt at an early age.  Receiving the tutelage of  ball-getter- greats like Bill Lambeer,  it is obvious that Love respects the art of  the board and the dump. The first thing about being a good rebounder is occupying space.  Thereby after his morning coffee and carving that fine chin strap into his face, I suspect he starts his poo routine; boxing out the upper-lid, bending his knees and keeping his back straight.  On the court, Mr. Love knows to move people out of space and let the ball come to him.  On the can, rather than straining to jump into action, Love clears his head and lets the poo come to him. Simply put, his poo clears people out of the way. I bet that if he ever lost control in a hot tub he would owe the owners a new tub.  For   Timberwolves’ scat this is not.  It is said that Love throws the best out-let pass in the basketball, we think he also knows how to “let out” Grizzly poops.  

 Is that a Mayo for Love trade I smell…oh no, that would be Bullsh*t.

Leading up to the all star game 100 Pieces of Poo will provide extremely intelligent hypothesis about this years crop of celebrated Basketball Players other dunks!

Lebron James....In Poo We Trust.

I hypothesize that like his game, Lebron's poo is freakish in size and bloody dynamic.  It can be big and heavy, explosive, diving right to the hole causing a lot of fouls. However, during important playoff games LJ has been  rumored to produce ghostly waste, disappearing into the bowl without a trace--barely whiffable.

I also bet Lebron James  inspects his own poo with a magnifying glass, a bible, a journal and a camera. Similar to those who have found images of the Mother of Jesus in grilled cheese sandwiches, Lebron pinches his nose and searches for images of Jesus or MJ in his turd to confirm that he is the "chosen one".  In fact, I heard a rumor that a lot of his defecates are the product of overeating grilled cheese sandwiches—he also looks for symbols in his food too. Continuing with speculation I bet he inspected Delonte West's poo for other reasons once.

Finally we at 100POP think that if  Lebron’s poo had an agent, it would probably have signed a lucrative deal with American Standard that only allows it to be flushed down products made by them; threatening all other toilets that touch a LBJ poo with serious litigigation.

 In fact, without permission, I may be sued for even talking about such a deal.

NBA ALL STAR CRAPS

Leading up to the all star game 100 Pieces of Poo will provide extremely intelligent hypothesis about this years crop of celebrated Basketball Players other dunks!

Kobe Lives Breathes and Craps Basketball

Kobe Bryant is arguably the most committed player to ever play the game of basketball. From personal trainers, yoga, extra workouts, film study and embracing the teachings of others who were great before him, Kobe has turned becoming great into a science. He doesn’t just play the game, he lives the game- using every moment to better his game.

            So with this in mind, you have to wonder what he does while he takes a poo. The scientists at 100POP believe Kobe works on his core balance. He probably has an Asian inspired hole-in-the-floor toilet so he can work on pivoting, post moves and boxing out; all the while squatting over a hole shitting. As Been gets older, his game has changed, I credit his pooing for his improved back to the basket post moves.

            Since he has committed his life to the perfection of the game, extracting every ounce of potential his body can muster, you've got to wonder if he has actually transformed the type of poo he has.  Maybe his dietitian has concocted an eating regime that has allowed him to actually poo in the shape of basketballs. 

            If basketball shaped poo would guarantee his team a win over the Celtics you know he would make it happen.