A place that celebrates the most human stories!

A place that celebrates the most human stories!
Enjoy the NBA poo chronicles from the Scientists of 100POP. 100POP created this research in excitement for the launch of its first official POO STORY set for April 1st.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Something worth talking about: NBA Pundits and Announcers Anal Activity


100POP has completed a good half-hour of in-depth research on Google and WikiPedia into the bathroom rituals of everyone’s favorite NBA announcers & pundits. The following hypotheses are the results of this academic journey. Although we doubt there are many erroneous propositions, please excuse any inaccurate ASSumptions

#1 H. Brown
Hubie Brown gets excited about making fecal movements…they remind him he is still alive and well. As well, because he loves basketball so much he probably calls the crapping process, “making a pick n roll.”

#2 J. Van Gundy
While sitting on the can we think Jeff Van Gundy googles, “Jeff Van Gundy Quotes,” and then laughs and shakes his head approvingly as he passes his logs.  We also believe he repeats the pun “I gotta go do a Gundy,” to whomever will listen.
#3 M. Devlin


After observing a recent game, we believe Matt Devlin smiles into a full length mirror wearing nothing but a smoker’s jacket with a pocket square.
#4 M. Albert

Intuition suggests Marv Albert spends his whole toilet time deciding if he will wear hair with a side part to the left or a side part to the right.


#5 D. Collins

There is little doubt Doug Collins just does his business, wipes and gets out. No big deal.
#6 R. Miller
Reggie Miller pushes really hard hoping that he will create turds that are more impressive than his sisters...he usually leaves the washroom disappointed. 


#7 C. Barkley 
Charles Barkley’s dung shatters toilets.


#8 K. (The Jet) Smith

Kenny the Jet gets pissed off because he often has to sit on a shattered toilet when all he wants is some time to relax and work on his next quick quip.

#9. K. McHale

We have no idea what kind of shits Kevin McHale has but man does he have huge collarbones.

#10 S. Scott

While on the can we think Stuart Scott records his secret monologues. He is probably choosing between two titles:
1) Why I try too hard
2) My Voice: A poor mask of the truth.

#11 Two or three guys who want new jobs.
The Cleveland Cavaliers announcers spend every waking moment, including their time on the can, trying to get their resumes out to other basketball cities to find work.
#12 S. Kerr
We think Steve Kerr sits on the toilet and plays a game he likes to call, “What if I didn’t trade for Shaq.”
#13 S. (The Snapper) Jones
Steve the Snapper Jones drops his pants, does his business, wipes, gets up, looks at his turd and utters in frustration and surprise,  “Are you serious?”  He calls the movement, “Taking a Bill Walton.” 
#14 B. Walton
Bill Walton tries to eat a dietary regime that allows him to create tie dyed deuces. We also think  that due to acid flashbacks, he probably  repeats nonsensical things like, “ When on the Knicks, Chris Dudley should have gotten at least twenty touches a game.” Its amazing, but we think that at the same time Walton says things like this, Snapper Jones has usually just finished Taking a Bill Walton.

#15 M. Jackson

Mark Jackson was and is a great passer. We think he sits and passes his waste with ease.  In the mirror after washing his hands, he more than likely celebrates with a body shimmy while crossing his forearms in front of his chest, reliving the glory days when he game himself the nickname, The X Factor.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The New Emperor: Amare Stoudemire and why he doesn't need toilets In New York....

Ten years from now, Amare Stoudemire, Melo and Billups will undoubtedly have their Knickerbockers jerseys scattered through used clothing stores around NBA cities. If you go to such used clothing stores now you will usually be able to find a New York Knicks jersey with one of the following names: Starks, Ewing, Houston, Sprewell or Oakley.  Why? These used jerseys are a sign that these players were relevant and that they played the game with enough panache that a lot of people spent money on jerseys with their name on it.  I expect to see a lot of Stoudemire jerseys because he (and not Lebron) symbolizes the rebirth of Knickerbockers basketball. His move to NY has been brilliant. First off he has proven he can be an all star without Steve Nash making him look good. Second, by going to New York he has been able to give Knickerbockers' rabid fans something be proud of.  Third,  he has stopped (or at least changed) experts from talking about his inability to get his hands up in interior passing lanes and playing ‘stay at home” post defense (Remember game 1 of the 2010 Western conference finals  and Odom’s “Lucky” game?).  Fourth, he is in a city that is conducive to exploring his newly discovered Jewish roots. Fifth and finally, Amare no longer is burdened by the need to find a washroom when he needs to take a dump. Yes, similar to “The Last Emperor” of China who was documented in the critically acclaimed 1987 biopic, we at 100POP believe Amare probably has radical followers who pick up his grotesquely huge dung droppings. This means that Amare has the freedom to dump wherever he wants. 

Why 100POP thinks this last part, is derived from the fact that New York fans are the craziest, most dedicated fans in the NBA.  New York is a city that had to sit through a decade of unorganized, mismanaged, heartless, pathetic basketball.  Amare represents a new era, a new decade; one where the Knickerbockers play with pride, should win  and care about trying to be the best.  Because Amare represents this change, fans have embraced him and want to associate themselves with anything to do with him.   Although arguable grotesque, we think that Amare, “The New Emperor of NY”, has fans who are willing to trail behind him and clean up his droppings.  His dropping are a very authentic part of Amare, as far as NBA swag, it's one of a kind. Some say, "One mans trash is another mans treasure." We think these crap collectors would argue, "Amare's turds are their trophies." 

This has changed the way Stoudemire approaches bowel movements and the way he plays the game. Amare has been liberated to go where and when he wants...no wonder there has been MVP talks.  In The Big Apple, the need for Steve Nash and toilets are things of the past.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Pau's Toilet Swan Dives


Earlier this year Kobe saw the movie Black Swan. Almost certainly inspired by Portman’s Oscar winning performance and Kunis’s looks, Kobe asked Pau Gasol to be more "Black Swan", and less "White Swan". This is hilarious in and of itself. First off, we believe Kobe saw the movie only because he is seriously giving ballet a shot in order to perfect his spin move and prolong his career (Good luck Kobe). Secondly, we at 100POP think this request was silly, ironic, and  erroneous in nature. This is because “Black Swan” is the nickname we at 100POP had already given to Pau’--on the court and in the stall.

Now before we go on we must define what we believe is being, "Black Swan". To earn this title we argue one must be graceful, disheveled and dangerous. Pau looks like a coffee drinking insomniac--he's disheveled. To be more specific, he looks like a guy who has very little control over when and where  his  body needs rectal release--dangerous. Almost certainly, Pau regularly demonstrates grace and power as he Euro-steps his way past toilet lineups to explode with a ferocious darkness that you may not enjoy being around, but have to appreciate. Is this not Black Swan? More importantly this off court behavior is similar to how he drives to the basket, bypassing clunky seven footers, on route to pushing the ball through the hole?
We also ascribed the epithet for the reason that his turdles probably float on the top of the bowl, circling with poise, before diving to the hole. During games, Pau likes to circle the top of the key and then dives down to the block for an easy deuce. This is why we say Pau’s potty practices and basketball game are very similar. Very Black Swan.   
So this means Kobe was wrong, Pau shouldn’t try and be more Black Swan. No one should try to be what one is, its a waste of energy. Pau is Black Swan.
In conclusion, shame on you Kobe, you travel with the guy, you should have known this before you requested this. Don't use your teammates to hide your hidden agenda.
To Pau, from 100POP;  "Don’t listen to Kobe, listen to us, be your swan like self, keep Euro-stepping toilet lines and dive bombing the lane."